Words of stupid advice

However crackpot or bizarre, people love to share those little pearls of wisdom. We all do it – give and receive advice. Some of it is welcome, some unwanted and some frankly barking mad. Family, friends and the mad old bat next door all give their little bons mots, which l sometimes find myself repeating years later. Be careful not to struggle through life due to a completely ridiculous piece of advice lodged within you.

The fat old limping bitch next door is nicknamed ‘coach’ for a damn good reason. That ugly whore is always spewing unsolicited advice. You can’t even hang your clothes on the washing line or throw away some trash without that hag piping up. She always has something to say. Telling you that she has a better way of doing things. I fight the urge to tell the bitch to shut the hell up. One piece of advice that l have for her is to stop disgusting me every time she loudly clears her phlegm clogged throat. It’s really loud and gross. Then she spits it out. I would never eat anything this bitch prepares. Ewwww. She is a dumb rumour mongering piece of trash.

My friend Shorai finds great difficulty in smelling flowers since her mother told her many moons ago never to smell flowers in case a bee flew up her nose. Hilarious. A Primary School classmate called Vimbai had a grandfather who told her to always separate the two halves of Lobels Bermuda biscuits before eating to check for ‘monsters’. Stupid old goat. She still remembers it even now and is clearly scarred for life.

‘Never have a cup of tea without something chocolatey on hand.’ That’s the kind of advice l like. I was able to list some pieces of advice given to me over the years.

  1. The first slice of a loaf of bread is always poisoned. 
  2. Never go in the first public toilet in a row – people go there to be sick.
  3. If you stick your finger in your belly button you’ll never get it out.

Of course, some people persist in handing out particular advice despite the fact that it’s utter nonsense. Hundreds of Bermuda biscuits have yet to yield one monster. My friend Anna’s advice is ‘If you are ringing from a public phone booth, give it’s number first.’ This is fine, as it enables people to track me down should l be cut off mid-conversation by a crazed axe murderer.

My favourite though was given to me by my friend Portia when l was about eight. ‘Your guardian angel sits on your left shoulder. Make sure you say a few words with him daily.’ Last month l went to the physiotherapist who told me my left shoulder is lower than my right. How do you explain that? Sometimes it’s the most crazy bits of advice that are true. Or not. So what nonsensical advice can you share?   🙂


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